grief

Coda: In Memory of Avery

A list of ways you can honor my friend

Jasper

Jasper

— 3 min read
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Thank you to everyone for the positive feedback on the posts I've written about the death of my friend Avery. I tried my best to capture what I love about them in What I Lost, but nothing can compare to the feeling of knowing them in person. Their wisdom inspired so much of what you've read from me so far and what you will read in the future. I'm grateful for their perspective and wish they could be here to see how much they shaped me.

This is the final post about Avery before I move on to writing about other things, and I wanted to end with a little call to action. If you've been moved by anything I've written, here are some things you can do to celebrate Avery:

  • Love on the animals in your life. And if you’re so moved, support an animal rescue near you by volunteering or donating.
    • If you don't have a preferred rescue, Feline Rescue was near and dear to Avery's heart.
  • Call a friend. Tell them how much they mean to you. Be honest about how you're doing.
  • Connect with organizations that help all people with eating disorders. Join their listservs, give as you are able, use their resources or share them with others. Avery and I both strongly supported the following:
  • Rethink your assumptions about people from the South. A common conversation topic with Avery was our mutual annoyance about how often people in Minnesota make fun of Southern accents, assume all Southern people are dumb, and generally write off that region of the country.

    Obviously the South is far from perfect (there's a reason we moved to Minnesota), but turning people into stereotypes isn't helpful to anybody. It's especially unhelpful to members of marginalized communities (and their allies) who live in the South and are actively fighting for a future free from oppression.
  • Fight for healthcare access. The United States healthcare system was already dysfunctional at best and a hellscape at worst. The 2025 budget reconciliation bill made things worse. In Minnesota-specific news, attempts have been made on a federal and a state level to cut crucial healthcare services to ostensibly fight fraud. These pressures, along with increases in Medicaid spending, mean folks using Medicaid like Avery are at a real risk of losing healthcare.

    This is an overwhelming issue, so it's easy to feel disempowered. However, there are still ways to help:
    • 5calls allows you to easily call your representatives. Search “medicaid” in the issues list to find relevant call scripts and keep an eye out as more are added. (If you're like me and dislike making phone calls, try calling on the weekend or after business hours and leave a voicemail message.)
      • Don't forget to call your state representatives! Your voice matters.
    • For Minnesota: check out the Minnesota Council on Disability for more information and advocacy steps.
    • This article from Minnesota Compass links to more information, including fact sheets about Medicaid for all 50 states.
  • Listen to Bright Eyes or Phoebe Bridgers. Phoebe's new release Lost Weekend is very appropriate for this situation, but I most associate "Chinese Satellite" with Avery. I still don't like Bright Eyes, but "Forced Convalescence" has grown on me.

Finally, and maybe most importantly of all:

  • Show yourself some kindness and compassion. The world is hard enough already; you don’t need to make things worse for yourself.

My other pieces about Avery and grief

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