Something Different

In three days I will begin a leave of absence from work. I am not a stranger to taking leaves of absence, but this one is unique.

Last month, my friend Avery died.^[1] Since finding out, I’ve been ripped apart. Sundays are hard for me because they died on a Sunday and I can’t stop replaying what might have happened. My ruminations stay with me as I fall asleep and wake me back up with a jolt at 3 a.m. Everything is unappealing except for staring at the wall while listening to their favorite bands.

I'll write more about Avery later. For now, suffice it to say I’ve not been doing well.

Unfortunately, the pain doesn't let up for work and I've been finding it challenging to focus on my job. I used one day of sick time after learning that Avery was gone, but then I went back to my typical coping skill – I showed up to work the next day ready to drown my sorrows in my daily tasks. The daily tasks, however, felt meaningless. How could I send emails when Avery was dead? How could I show up to meetings when I felt like I was melting? I wanted life to stop for me to breathe, but alas – the world kept turning and the responsibilities kept churning.

So... I decided to take time off work. It sounds like a simple decision, but it's also significant for me.

In years past, I would have spent several more months working to be a productive automaton and putting on a brave face. I might have gotten a good performance review and completed some big projects, but my mental state would continue to deteriorate and I would end up turning to whatever unhelpful coping mechanism seemed most appealing that day. Once I could finally continue no more, I would be forced into taking a leave of absence whether I liked it or not.

This cycle has borne out repeatedly in my life. After losing Avery, I recognized it starting again. I also realized a few truths.

Work is important, but it is not a balm for suffering.

Pretending I am doing great helps me save face, but striving for normality doesn’t help me cope with loss.

And maybe it’s OK to step back the moment you realize you need to instead of the moment you can’t go on anymore.

Pausing work when things are hard as opposed to catastrophic is new, but there’s something else that’s special about my upcoming time away. Every leave of absence I’ve taken thus far has been for something in particular, like top surgery or some sort of formal mental health program. This time, I have no plans.

I thought briefly about enrolling in some hospital or treatment center's programming during my leave, but PHP^[2] and IOP^[3] offerings tend to be focused on behavioral therapy and skill usage. I love a refresher of my DBT^[4] skills now and again, but when planning my leave I realized I don’t need someone to teach me half smile willing hands right now – I need true rest.

The temptation is to let this become doomscrolling on my phone all day every day, but I have a system set up to counteract that impulse. I created an 8 a.m.-5 p.m. schedule for myself that’s similar to what a PHP would have to offer. There’s time blocked off for “psycho-education” (learning more about grief by reading relevant books), “social support” (talking to a friend or being around other people), and other activities that center reflection and healing. Using this framework, I’m excited to try my own thing and make my time away exactly what it needs to be.

I hope to learn a lot about myself while I’m away from work, and I hope to be able to process and work through the loss of my friend. If I do literally nothing else once my leave begins though, I’ve already learned valuable lessons about listening to myself and honoring my needs.

Here’s to breaking away from needing to look like you’ve got everything together.

Here's to putting your own well-being above a job.

Here’s to something different.